| |
|
|
I MEAN, MIR
represented everything that was bad about our Cold War with the Soviets:
the unnecessary competition, the overblown speeches, the really bad suits.
So as I watched Mir kamikaze into the Pacific, I hoped that our two
countries had finally put years of antagonism behind them.
Yeah, right. Faster than you could say Yuri Andropov,
the U.S. and Russia are already starting a new Cold War over a few spies.
We caught Russia stealing secrets from our side, so we kicked a bunch of
their “diplomats” out of our country. They retaliated by kicking a bunch
of our “emissaries” out of Moscow. |
|
|
|
“It’s spy vs.
spy!” they’re saying on CNN. “Not since Brezhnev and Nixon have we had
such cold relations with the once-Evil Empire,” they’re saying on Fox
News. “Does this mean we have to wear those No Nukes t-shirts again?”
they’re saying in my apartment.
But this
“new Cold War” is not an epic battle between two superpowers. In fact,
it’s actually a race to the bottom between two spent nations gasping for
their last shred of decency. You can almost hear our president and theirs
trading barbs, low blows and “Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyahs” on the
red
phone right now.
Bush: Well, you started it!
Putin:
No, you started it!
Bush: No, you started
it!
Putin: George, this is getting us
nowhere. But you did start it. Why were you digging a tunnel under our
embassy? I mean, digging a tunnel?! Didn’t that go out in 1935?
Bush: Fine, Vladimir, fine. But Russia is still a
nation in decline. I mean, your biggest export to Europe nowadays is
prostitutes.
Putin: Yeah, and yours is
Britney Spears, which is probably the same thing. At least Bob Dole
doesn’t need Viagra anymore now that he’s seen Britney’s Pepsi ad from
last night’s Oscar show. I couldn’t tell who was friskier, him or his dog.
And that guy was almost your president! |
|
.gif)
My Turn: Hey, Doc,
I Still Have A Lot of Living to Do