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IT’S ALL PART of Juan Valdez’s master plan. Sure, you know him as a somewhat unconvincing actor in a commercial for Colombian coffee, but sometime in the middle of 2004, his bosses at the Colombian Coffee Federation will open the first Juan Valdez coffee shop. Like Starbucks, the federation—a vaguely Trotskyite (in a good way!) co-operative of 500,000 peasant farmers—will charge a premium price for premium coffee. But unlike Starbucks, a larger share of the profits will go back to the farmers, not the yuppies in Seattle.
If it sounds like socialism is back, maybe it’s about time. After all, you may pay $3 for your morning frappuccino, but thanks to a worldwide coffee glut, only 1 percent of that makes it back to the farmer. At Juan Valdez outlets, instead of getting a penny or two per cup, the grower will get a nickel. That may not be enough to build an addition to the lean-to, but it’s a start.
Full disclosure: The whole “specialty coffee” industry makes no sense to me. I know I’ve been hitting the sauce a lot lately—what with those daily deadlines, an energetic 2-year-old, and that voice in my head screaming, “Loser! Work harder! Dave Barry had 16 books out by the time he was your age!” — but all coffee tastes the same to me: somewhat bitter with notes of scrub brush, wood chips and dirt. I wouldn’t drink it at all, but coffee is a uniquely efficient delivery system of caffeine, the world’s most-widely consumed upper. Just the right amount of caffeine turns me into a journalistic Superman, allowing me to write entire columns in a half-hour, be glib and articulate at cocktail parties and leap tall bulldogs in a single bound.
But I’ve never been able to get over the guilt of knowing that I’m not even feeding a few Colombians when I feed my addiction. I’m such a bleeding-heart liberal that I even supported a referendum in Berkeley, Calif., earlier this year that would’ve required local coffee shops to buy coffee grown under “fair trade” rules that promise a higher return to peasant farmers. (Even though the referendum was in Berkeley, the measure failed, proving once and for all that Berkeley voters can be just as selfish as all other Americans.)
The real-life Juan Valdez and his buddies now earn just 60 cents for the same pound of coffee beans that would’ve earned them $1.20 just a few years ago. The United States, the world’s largest consumer of coffee, has done little except push “free trade”—which is great for American caffeine addicts (and, more accurately, American roasting companies and coffee shop chains like Starbucks) but horrible for the poor, Colombian farmers. As Marie Antoinette might have said, “Let them grow coke.”
That’s exactly what some people are worried about. In September, a bipartisan group of Congressional legislators urged the Bush administration to change course, pointing out that low coffee prices were a “direct threat” to our homeland security because many cafeteros were starting to grow cocaine (which is just as powerful a drug as caffeine, but you try to run a business with a coke-sniffing station instead of a coffee machine in the office kitchen).
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The Bush administration has ignored the request. In fact, the White House doesn’t know what it’s doing when it comes to coffee. On the one hand, USAID—the federal government’s foreign aid agency—has programs that help Latin American coffee farmers until the coffee glut eases. Meanwhile, another federal program is encouraging Bolivian farmers to take up coffee production, thereby adding to the very glut.
“In other words,” said Sen. Pat Leahy, “two steps forward, one step back.” That’s a polite way to put it. (Leahy’s no better: The best he’s been able to accomplish is getting the Senate to serve “fair trade” coffee. Wow, that’ll build schools in Papayan! Thanks, Senator!)
But forget about the real-life Juan Valdezes; you’re American — worry about yourself. While coffee bean prices have been plunging, the cost of a cup of joe at your local diner—or a fancy frappuccino at Starbucks—has gone up. Free trade is not only supposed to impoverish peasants in the third world, but, in doing so, it’s supposed to lower prices for consumers in the first world— that’s why American politicians like the idea so much. But what’s the point of being a free trader if it hasn’t meant access to cheap caffeine and, instead, is sewing the beans of global instability?
That’s the same point that’s always being made by Gabriel Silva, CEO of the Colombian Coffee Federation. In fact, he called me all the way from Bogota (Colombia, not New Jersey) to complain of “the roasters,” “the intermediaries” and “the retail chains” that are thriving while his cafeteros go broke and start looking for other drugs to cultivate.
But he also blamed his own group for not being as ruthlessly capitalist, too. Hence, the federation’s “if-you-can’t-beat-Starbucks-join-’em” approach. The first step is marketing Colombian coffee as “premium” instead of the run-of-the-mill stuff you find in that can of Chock Full O’Nuts. The next step will be unveiling the Juan Valdez gourmet shops next year. And in 2005, you’ll start seeing bags of “Juan Valdez,” 100-percent Colombian coffee in supermarkets.
“It’s the richest coffee in the world,” Silva said, boastfully. I told him I needed to verify the claim, and, sure enough, the federation sent me a pound of its organic “Sierra” coffee (I love this job). The label described it as ”fuerza natural,” “acidez: media” and ”cuerpo: medio.” It was delicious, but was it the richest coffee in the world? I’ll only answer that question when NEWSWEEK approves my request for a global coffee tasting tour. [Editor’s note: Buddy, the closest you’re going to get is General Foods’ International Coffees. Would you like one lump or two in your French Vanilla Nut?.]
“Richest” coffee in the world or not, with the Juan Valdez stuff, at least I can be a junkie with a clear conscience. Almost like when Afghanistan was exporting that fair trade, organic, shade-grown heroin. Yeah, those were the days.
Gersh Kuntzman is also Brooklyn bureau chief for The New York Post. His website is at www.gersh.tv
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