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 | | | | | Little Brown Chevette, Never Could Drive So Fast | | | Our columnist-cum-songwriter sings the praises of small cars—and for the first time, offers readers lyrics to four of his unreleased tracks | |
| | | Oct. 28 — Is America’s love affair with cars over? Ford Motor Company CEO Bill Ford seems to think so. In a speech a couple of months ago, Ford fretted that Americans no longer drool the way we used to over those mighty GTOs or those boss Barracudas or those little deuce coupes. | |
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“PEOPLE USED TO write songs about T-Birds and Corvettes,” he said ominously. “Today, they write regulations.”
But frankly, I don’t know what Bill Ford is talking about; I’ve been writing love songs to cars for years, albeit not the kind of songs that Bill Ford wants to hear.
Instead of the tributes to muscle cars and huge sport utility vehicles that Ford seems to crave, my songs tend to be tributes to small cars (my song, “Little Brown Chevette” was an ode to Chevrolet’s ill-fated effort in the 1980s to take on Honda and Toyota) and the unbridled joy of fuel efficiency (“Fun, Fun, Fun (‘Cause Her Daddy Bought a Hyundai Excel).”)
Classic rock formats are dominated by the Beach Boys, Jan and Dean and Ronny and the Daytonas, so my songs haven’t really entered the American cultural consciousness (people apparently would rather hear about “Mustang Sally” than “Mazda Harry”).
But now, egged on by Bill Ford, I feel that I can be silent no longer. The time has come to release all my unreleased tracks. Feel free to sing along.
“My New Camry” (to the tune of the Beatles’ “Drive My Car”) —
(www.thebeatles.com.hk/lyrics/drive_my_car.html)
I asked my girl could I go on a spree
She always said I should be happy
“Go eat foie gras, eat duck confit
But you’d better not buy an SUV!”
Chorus:
“Get yourself a new Camry
You’ll get top-notch MPG
You’ll remove mid-life ennui
And save fossil fuel”
So I bought that economy car
And now my girl treats me like a Czar
She thinks I’m hot, despite cellulite
And she always wants us in that back seat.
Chorus:
‘Cause I got a new Camry
I get top-notch MPG
I removed mid-life ennui
And saved fossil fuel
Cheap, cheap, mm, cheap, cheap yeah!
You may not think that a car can save lives
Drive SUVs and the Earth can’t survive
Ice caps will melt in our foul air
In Anchorage, they’re buying new beachwear
Chorus
Get yourself a new Camry
You’ll get top-notch MPG
You’ll remove mid-life ennui
And save fossil fuel.
Cheap, cheap, mm, cheap, cheap yeah!
“Little Yugo” (to the tune of the Beach Boys’ “Little Deuce Coupe”)—(www.lyricsxp.com/lyrics/l/little_deuce_coupe_the_beach_boys.html)
Don’t think I’m crazy, don’t get all mean
‘Cause I drive a fuel-efficient, cool machine
You think you need a big car, but it’s just a leech
Hauling everything you own just to go to the beach?
She’s my little Yugo
I’m proud to be green
True, my little Yugo won’t survive a big crash
But your SUV will roll and you’ll get whiplash
I’ll go a thousand miles and not need more gas
A car like that makes your sport-ute look like an ass
She’s my little Yugo
I’m proud to be green
Bridge:
Yes, the paint job is a loser and the seats are all torn
But to buy an SUV I’d need to sell my firstborn
Don’t you feel moronic, don’t you feel like a chump?
It cost you at the dealer and again at the pump.
You know I just prefer those compact cars
Anything too big feels to me bizarre
I don’t like ‘em heavy, don’t like ‘em fast
I’m doing my share so the planet will last
She’s my little Yugo
I’m proud to be green
Bridge:
I know you want to take all your stuff everywhere
But can’t you do it without fouling the air?
You may soon need this epitaph on your urn:
“He never knew a fuel he didn’t want to burn.”
I just can’t wait for the big sport-ute
To go the way of the loud zoot suit
A piece of trash in history’s dust bin
With other past mistakes like East Berlin
She’s my little Yugo
I’m proud to be green
The Clever Young Lady from Pasadena (to the tune of Jan and Dean’s “The Little Old Lady from Pasadena”)—
(www.gogrannygo.com/music/little-old-lady.html)
The clever young lady from Pasadena
(Go, lady, go, lady, go, lady, go!)
Has a tiny old apartment near the big arena
(Go, lady, go, lady, go, lady, go!)
But parked on the street, not the costly garage
Is a beat up, faded blue Omni by Dodge
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Chorus:
And everybody knows that she parks anywhere
Small spot, tiny spot, her skills you’ll revere
(She parks real close and she parks real tight)
She’s got 20/20 curb-to-car eyesight
She’s the clever young lady from Pasadena
The bigger cars drive around looking for spots
(Go, lady, go, lady, go, lady, go!)
They might as well be driving a land-bound yacht
(Go, lady, go, lady, go, lady, go!)
But she eats up all those spaces that you dismiss
And she shows you how it’s done with a flick of the wrist
Chorus:
And everybody knows that she parks anywhere
Small spot, tiny spot, her skills you’ll revere
(She parks real close and she parks real tight)
She’s got 20-20 curb-to-car eyesight
She’s the clever young lady from Pasadena
If you’ve got an SUV and you can’t get a space
(Go, lady, go, lady, go, lady, go!)
Is it ‘cause that car drives like bouillabaisse?
(Go, lady, go, lady, go, lady, go!)
You can only blame yourself for buying so big
It must just kill you to watch her zag and zig
Chorus:
And everybody knows that she parks anywhere
Small spot, tiny spot, her skills you’ll revere
(She parks real close and she parks real tight)
She’s got 20-20 curb-to-car eyesight
She’s the clever young lady from Pasadena
“Fun, Fun, Fun (‘Cause Daddy Bought a Hyundai Excel) (to the tune of the Beach Boys’ “Fun, Fun, Fun”)—
(www.afunk.com/beachboys/beachboys8.html)
Well, she got her daddy’s car and she’s driving it all over the place
now
She needn’t ever stop to refuel or to fill the crankcase now
That’s because that little car was designed for the whole human race now
So she’ll have fun, fun, fun ‘cause her daddy bought a Hyundai Excel.
Yes a five-speed Hyundai’s cool and it drives so light on the land now
It’s so easy on the gas tank that her daddy never makes a cash demand
now
So she can save all her money for a pair of those new Timberlands now
So she’ll have fun, fun, fun ‘cause her daddy bought a Hyundai Excel
(Musical interlude)
And the best thing ‘bout that car were the friends that she bade adieu
now
‘Cause a Hyundai ain’t the car if you need space for Steve, Ben and Lou
now
With those others sent away it will just be me and her a deux now
And we’ll have fun, fun, fun ‘cause her daddy bought a Hyundai Excel.
Fun, fun, fun ‘cause her daddy bought a Hyundai Excel.
Gersh Kuntzman is also a columnist for The New York Post who drives a beat-up Mazda. His website is at www.gersh.tv
© 2002 Newsweek, Inc.
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