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| Poetic Diplomacy | |||||||
| Forget the language differences. Columnist Gersh Kuntzman wonders what would happen if the spy plane negotiations could be conducted in verse | |||||||
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| April 9, 2001 — For most of last week, I was wondering why the resolution of this Chinese-American spy-plane saga was taking so long. I mean, how long does it take to draft a non-apology apology, send it to the Chinese, receive their demand for a stronger show of regret and incorporate it into a final respectful (but not-overly-contrite) excuse? |
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| AND THEN I
opened up the paper and saw that the negotiations for a peaceful
resolution were taking place in Haikou, the capital of the Hainan Island,
where the Navy spy plane made its emergency landing. Suddenly, it all made sense: Perhaps the negotiations were not merely taking place in Haikou, but were actually being conducted in haiku, a popular form of Japanese minimalist poetry. If so, our negotiators, unable to communicate in this ancient language of diplomacy, are clearly hamstrung. According to my source at the Pentagon, American officials began the discussions with a salvo that was, in the true spirit of haiku, a vague, unsubstantive and ethereal message of disapproval: Flight over the sea Sunny day, no clouds ahead Something bad happened Beijing, interpreting this as an escalation in a war of words, answered back with its own view: U.S.A. the brave Why are you spying on us Like we’re North Korea? The American side, seeing this as a non-issue, decided to get to the heart of the matter: Those Navy crewmen Must be returned presently They’re not hostages The Chinese assured the Americans that the crew of the crippled plane was being treated fairly: Those men are our “guests” We feed them good Chinese food And have plenty more Fearing that the Chinese were sending a message that the crew would be held prisoner for weeks, the Americans tried a frontal approach: You smashed up our plane What the hell was that about? Do we break your planes? So Beijing responded as anyone would, given the circumstances: What’s with us, you ask? If our plane flew near L.A. You would shoot it down The Americans took umbrage, but, in the interest of diplomacy, admitted to a small amount of culpability: Maybe spying’s wrong But your Tom Cruisin’ pilot Was a big hot dog The Chinese, naturally, saw this as blaming the victim: It was your spy plane That lurched like a wounded crane And caused this affair The Americans denied culpability: Our plane flew just fine Your “Top Gun” pilot wanted To impress Li Peng The Chinese, in turn, sought to put the blame back on the American mission itself and to send a message about Chinese superiority: Why spy on China? Is it to learn how we’ll win The Olympic games? The Americans, who also want to host the 2012 Olympiad, then raised the stakes: Our new president Would love to play catch with A nuclear football Beijing, interpreting this as a call to arms, held its ground: Bring it on, suckers Sell your weapons to Taiwan We’ll arm Canada With little progress being made, the American negotiating team decided to get personal: Your stiff uniforms Make you look like Chairman Mao Who was butt ugly Beijing answered back with what observers call the classic “Oh, yeah?” approach: Your fearless leader Thinks tap water tastes better With heavy metal America then responded with a true low blow: You think you’re so great. But what’s that on your table? Could it be canine? That left Beijing with little room for anything but a classic attack on the American economy: Your trade deficit Is caused by your need for our Little plastic dolls America upped the ante: At least our parents Can have more than one child And drive—not bike—home So Beijing hit back with a haiku about America’s spate of school shootings: Your kids walk to school And are actually safer Than when they arrive And that’s where we stand at the moment. American officials are hard at work drafting a retort to this latest Chinese jibe, but are reportedly having trouble fitting “Tiananmen Square massacre” into the classic five-seven-five pattern while the Chinese are fiddling with a haiku about the American economy that opens with the verse “Greenspan is a boob.” Negotiations continue. Gersh Kuntzman is also a columnist for The New York Post and the author of “HAIR! Mankind’s Historic Quest to End Baldness” (Random House, April 2001). Visit him at http://www.gersh.tv/ © 2002 Newsweek, Inc. |
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My Turn: Hey, Doc,
I Still Have A Lot of Living to Do