MSNBC - Headlines You May See in 2005

Headlines You May See in 2005

Never one to look back, our intrepid columnist predicts which stories will dominate the media in the year to come

WEB-EXCLUSIVE COMMENTARY

By Gersh Kuntzman

Newsweek

Updated: 1:19 p.m. ET Dec. 28, 2004

Dec. 28 - Any Web columnist can give you a look back at the Year that Was, 2004. But this column has always prided itself on having a vision of the future. As such, we revisit our tired old canard of giving you a preview of the stories that will be making news next year.

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NBA Unveils New Marketing Approach
Will de-emphasize violence, promote nerdiness
SPRINGFIELD, Mass.— Several months after some of its top stars leapt into the grandstand to pummel fans, the National Basketball Association has unveiled a new ad campaign to downplay its players' "street cred" [ibility] in favor of good sportsmanship, intellect and sensitivity.
The league was apparently stung by criticism that its prior ad campaign—"NBA: Bring Yo' Gun"—promoted top players as incorrigible thugs, violent drug dealers and shameless ball hogs.
The new series of ads—called "The NBA Today: The Thinking Man's Game"—will spotlight the league's less-heralded, but no-less-vital nerd legends of tomorrow.

"Meet Luke Walton," says the narrator in the first ad. "A first-year forward for the Lakers, he majored in French literature at Arizona University. On the court, he's all air. But off the court, it's Voltaire." The commercial features images of Walton taking his famous jump shot interspersed with him picking lavender near a monastery in the south of France.

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The ads will also avoid showing menacing Chinese-character tattoos or any part of Allen Iverson. Instead, fans will be treated to the new look of the NBA, embodied by Walton's new tattoo: a portrait of Thomas Jefferson over the preamble to the Constitution.

Martha Stewart Is Now Mahjabeen Muhammad!
Assumes Muslim name, rituals in jailhouse conversion
ALDERSON, W.Va.— In keeping with a tradition dating back to Malcolm X, jailed media mogul Martha Stewart has converted to Islam during her prison sentence.

According to jail officials, the diva of domesticity began demanding that guards call her Mahjabeen Muhammad less than two weeks after beginning her incarceration at the federal penitentiary here.

Initially, guards mocked the jailhouse conversion, especially those who understand the basic Muslim vow of poverty. "Yeah, Martha Stewart would be more likely to fit through the eye of a needle than to be able to give up Turkey Hill," said warden Bill Himmerling. "But besides that, she has been a model Muslim convert. Although she wasted a good week before she realized that the Koran and the Qur'an are the same book."

Since accepting that Mohammad is the one true prophet of the Lord, Stewart has forsworn pork, bowed towards Mecca in prayer five times a day, and has started designing a more flattering burqa in a wide variety of Kmart colors.

Media analysts on Wall Street were holding their breath. "There's no question that the Muslim world could use someone who can make a fragrant potpourri out of leftover tabouli, but there's no way any red-blooded American woman is going to spend $3.99 to buy ‘Mahjabeen Muhammad Living,'” said one.

And others complained that Stewart's new slogan--"It's a hajj thing"--will alienate her old fans.

Man and ‘Partner' Confuse Neighbors
Relationship could be business, sexual or other

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Hair! Mankind's Historic Quest to End Baldness
by Gersh Kuntzman

SHAKER HEIGHTS, Ohio— A man who recently moved onto Fifth Street in this Cleveland suburb has confused his new neighbors by constantly introducing another man as his "partner."

The new resident, Oglethorpe Bennings, never explains whether he and "partner" James Tunneston co-own a local architectural firm, whether they are writing screenplays together or merely having sex in a monogamous, though not legally sanctioned, relationship, neighbors complained.

"It's damn confusing," said neighbor Penny Angelino. "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. If he and the partner own some local store, I'd love to shop there. If they're sexually intimate, then I'll refrain from fixing Oglethorpe up with my friend, Sally."

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Page 2: Russia's Stripper Shortage, Turkies & Steroids and Survivor's Sweeps Week Ploy

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