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The good news
is that more than 60 percent of Americans approve of the job the new
president is doing. The bad news is that 50 percent believe that “other
people” are “in charge” of the “government” “most of the time.” Only 42
percent feel that “Bush” is “in charge” (you know, in the Al Haig sense).
There are two conclusions that can be
drawn from these “amazing” “results”:
1.
Bush’s approval rating will go up even higher if he stops working
entirely.
2. Half of America—probably the
half that thinks Al Gore is actually president—thinks Bush isn’t running
the country.
I guess you can’t blame
America for thinking that way. After all, didn’t Bush’s chief of staff,
Andrew Card, admit recently that his boss attended a mere five hours of
meetings before unveiling his multi-trillion-dollar budget? |
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“If you think
President Bush is not running the country, what do you think he’s
doing with his time?”
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And remember when that crazed gunman opened fire on the White House
last month? When the gunfire erupted, Bush was on the Stairmaster while
Vice President Dick Cheney was in the West Wing taking care of business.
The shooting was at 11:20 in the morning! That’s usually the time of day
when a harried CEO is daydreaming about his afternoon lunch break, not
sweating through his morning workout.
Bottom
line? Poll respondents were definitely influenced by the way Bush always
appears so damned relaxed—except at those times when Vice President Cheney
is on a gurney with another heart attack. |
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Journalistic
standards being what they are at The Times, the paper failed to ask its
poll respondents the all-important follow-up question: “If you think
President Bush is not running the country, what do you think he’s
doing with his time?” Fortunately, I have just received the results of my
own investigation into how Bush is spending his days while those “other
people” are running the “government.” Contrary to half of America’s
impression, my report clearly shows that Bush is busy with important tasks
throughout the day:
![*]() He has to make frequent trips to the hardware store to
cut extra sets of White House keys for lobbyists from the banking, credit
card and coal-burning power plant industries.
.gif) It takes a lot of time to calculate how many centuries
worth of overseas family planning funds will equal the cost of a missile
shield.
He’s been busy of late drafting an entirely new criminal justice
code based on the principal that all transgressions are forgivable if the
perpetrator was “young and irresponsible” at the time of the crime,
regardless of his age.
Just the other day, he went to the White House kitchen only to
find the refrigerator empty, except for a loaf of bread. He spent several
hours wondering to himself, “What would Jesus do?” only to decide that
he’s not Jesus and ordered in Chinese food.
He’s been researching whether users of solar-and
wind-power generators should face the federal death penalty on the grounds
that it is a treasonous offense to create energy in America without
producing pollutants.
Yard work can be extremely time consuming, especially when your
main chore is finishing fencing off that pasture where you’re going to put
EPA Administrator Christie Whitman for the next four years.
We all know Bush enjoys devising nicknames for legislators, but
did you know that he spent four hours the other day trying to find a rhyme
for “Daschle”? The next day, he got stuck for three hours on “Bayh” and
“Inhofe.”
Ever the prankster, Bush can spend hours a day calling up Al
Gore, asking for “President Gore” and then quickly hanging up. He’s missed
more than one meeting with oil industry lobbyists that way.
The other day, Bush developed carpal tunnel syndrome in his
index finger while figuring out the White House phone system. Rather than
accept the condition as evidence that office workers can develop
repetitive stress injuries, Bush amputated the finger with an Oval Office
butter knife.
Breaking News: We
interrupt this insightful column to bring you a news break from
Washington. President Bush has just ended his normal Friday afternoon
meeting with Vice President Cheney an hour early and, apparently, is
taking what we believe is called “a Friday slide.” We go now to NBC’s Lisa
Myers at the White House. Lisa, what’s going on there? |
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Newsweek.MSNBC.com |
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Click on a section below for more
News: |
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| Myers:
Yes, you’re right Gersh, it appears that President Bush is going to get an
early jump on the weekend. Moments ago, the president interrupted his
meeting with the vice president and told him quote Let’s pick this up
again on Monday, Dick endquote. The vice president quickly reminded Bush
that they were discussing the normalization of relations with North Korea,
a known nuclear power, but the president was said to persist, telling Vice
President Cheney quote What? Are they going to set off the bomb in the
next two hours, Dick? I mean, for Pete’s sake, it’s four o’clock here
endquote. He then told the vice president to quote Go home and spend some
time with the wife endquote whereupon the vice president reminded the
president that his wife, Lynne Cheney, would, like most normal Americans,
not be home from work until after 6 p.m. The president is reported to have
told him quote Well, you do whatever you want with the North Koreans. I’m
going fishing endquote.
Gersh Kuntzman is also a columnist for The New York Post and the author
of “HAIR! Mankind’s Historic Quest to End Baldness” (Random House, April
2001). His email address is gershny@yahoo.com.
© 2002 Newsweek, Inc.
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My Turn: Hey, Doc,
I Still Have A Lot of Living to Do