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May 3 - Two Republicans walk into a bar in New York City... No, it's not the setup for an old joke. It's a scenario that will become a reality this summer, when the Republicans host their first convention in The Big Apple from August 30 through September 2.
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Mayor Mike Bloomberg is well aware that New York is a liberal town. Our voter registration is 5-1 in favor of the Democrats. But even that landslide doesn't tell the whole story. New York's Democrats are famously liberal—and New York's Republicans are...famously liberal, too. Our governor, for example, is an environmentalist! And he opposes mandatory drug sentences! And he's no fan of guns! (I could actually respect him if he'd actually talk about these positions when he's in a room with any non-New York Republican.)
And look at Bloomberg himself. Here's a guy—a billionaire, by the way—who only became a Republican a couple of years ago. He's not a dumb guy, that Bloomberg. He learned what Rudy Giuliani figured out years ago: New York Republicans can jump to the starting line without facing the kind of bitter, expensive primaries that Democrats in this town face, ones that feature wide fields of experienced candidates.
And Bloomberg is smart on an other level, too. He knows that New York's inclination would be to send these foreign interlopers—otherwise known as the GOP conventioneers—home on a rail, tarred, feathered and mugged. To avoid such a spectacle under his supposedly Republican watch, Bloomberg has started running ads encouraging the mostly liberal populace to treat the invaders—with their synthetic garments, their SUVs, their macho foreign policy and their bizarre notions of patriotism—with respect and kindness. He even got former mayor Ed Koch—a Democrat, no less!—to drive the welcome wagon.
"The Republicans are coming to town," reads one of the ads featuring Koch. "Make nice." The ad goes on to say that "delegates will be coming from all over the U.S. to stay in our hotels, ride on our subways, eat in our restaurants, and spend their money. Let's help them do it."
Never mind that many Republicans don't even want to be spending their money here. (Remember Rep. Tom Delay's plan to house the conventioneers on cruise ships for the duration, the better to prevent them from spending too much time in physical contact with heathen New York?) But "make nice" had a vaguely totalitarian ring to it, a frightening reminder of Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer's post-9/11 warning that Americans needed to "watch what they say and watch what they do." I didn't know what offended me more about the "make nice" ads: that I was being asked to put aside my right as a liberal to berate anyone wearing an elephant lapel about the horrible performance of the president or my right as a New Yorker to do it very aggressively.
Naturally, Koch disagreed with me (we split years ago when he, the supposedly consummate New Yorker, did a morally indefensible commercial for Dunkin' Donuts' reprehensible bagels).
"I'm urging all New Yorkers to treat these visitors cordially," he told me. "If you see them with a map, help them out. Remember, some of these people are legislators. Maybe they can help us down the road. We want them to go back to their cities saying, 'We had a wonderful time,' and 'Those New Yorkers are wonderful people'."
Actually, I want them to go home thinking that their Red State views don't represent all of us. I want them to go home a little less smug and a lot more convinced that there is widespread hostility to the Bush vision of endless war, corporate control of the environment and lack of concern for our allies. I want them to feel uncomfortable—like their views are as foreign and repulsive as we New Yorkers believe them to be.
Yes, I want their money (I'm a New Yorker first and a liberal second). But I couldn't help but feel bothered by the implication that I should sell my values for money.
"Of course you're bothered by it—Bloomberg and Koch are asking you to put aside your beliefs because the Republicans will be spending their money while they're here," said civil rights lawyer Ron Kuby, who's best known as the law partner of the late William Kunstler, the radical defense attorney who once represented Malcolm X, as well as the co-host of a local morning show with Curtis Sliwa (a wonderful guy who just happens to be a smidge to the right of Genghis Khan). "They want you to be a whore."
Kuby shared my revulsion for the "make nice" ads. "We don't need to be polite—we're New Yorkers," he said. "We need to show them that their views are repugnant, so for me, this issue is how to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible without incurring a felony."
Not to sound second-grade about this, but the Republicans started it. For years, they thought of New York as a bastion of multi-culturalism, corruption, liberal decadence, immorality, perversion and anti-Americanism (to paraphrase Woody Allen, I think of us that way, and I live here!).
But the point is, the Red States hated New York, the spiritual capital of the Blue States. And then September 11 happened. "Yeah, all of a sudden, they saw New Yorkers taking care of each other, they saw New Yorkers responding with strength. They saw the city for what it really is—the best of America," Kuby said. "So now they want to wrap themselves in that for their convention. But they still hate us."
In situations like this, I like to call up some well-credentialed historian to see whether my hate has a historical precedent. And, of course, it does.
"This is New York, after all," said Sean Wilentz, a Princeton history professor. "Our history of protest goes back to the beginning of the city. And some nasty stuff, too. The draft riots. And during Vietnam, most of the major protests were in New York."
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Including, Wilentz pointed out, a precursor to what I am recommending my fellow New Yorkers do with the Republican visitors. During one anti-war rally on Wall Street, a bunch of pro-war construction workers made their position clear to the Hippies. Very clear. I mean bloody (literally) painfully clear. From that point on, all of the anti-war demonstrations were in Washington, D.C., Wilentz said.
Times change, of course. You can't just beat up someone anymore because he has a different view than you do. (Recall that old joke: "Republicans. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em—because of that damn belief in gun control!") But the lesson is that New Yorkers should never be encouraged to hold back if we want to send a message.
"If you see a Republican, give 'em a piece of your mind," Wilentz said. "They want us to hold our tongues. It's a physical impossibility."
Even Koch agreed with that. "Look, there's nothing wrong with a political discussion in a bar," he said. "All I'm asking is that we keep it courteous. And when the argument is over, buy the Republicans a drink."
Buy them a drink?! Buy them a drink?! Now he's gone too far. If the Republicans want our silence, they'd better be prepared to buy it themselves.
Gersh Kuntzman is also Brooklyn bureau chief for The New York Post. His website is at http://www.gersh.tv
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