| |
|
|
THANKS TO SOME
diligent reporting, I have obtained a copy of Weinstein’s memo to Academy
president Frank Pierson. When you read the memo, you’ll have to admit that
Weinstein makes a great case for moving the Oscars to New York. After all,
it’s hard to imagine anything that could better revive the flagging
spirit of New Yorkers—who watched in horror as two of the world’s tallest
buildings were brought down, then were wrenched by a seemingly endless
series of funerals and memorial services for neighbors and friends and are
now struggling with the controversial task of conceiving a fitting
memorial—than a four-hour tribute to the vital American industry that made
“Blade II,” “Hart’s War” and “The Mothman Prophesies.” |
|
|
|
|
I mean, what this bruised city clearly needs is more VIPs
double-parking in front of Nobu, more production assistants in
headsets telling people when they can walk down the sidewalk on their own
street and, of course, more awards for celebrities, those tireless
workers who spend their lives pretending to actually be tireless
workers.
So as you’ll see, Weinstein is
clearly on the right side of this issue:
To: Frank Pierson, President,
Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
From: Harvey Weinstein, President, Miramax
Re: Oscars in New York City
Dear Frank,
Thanks for talking to me
the other day about our plans to move the Oscars—temporarily, I assure
you!—to New York City. I’m sorry I had to cut the call short, but I had
Gwynnie on the other line and you know how she hates to be kept
waiting.
As we discussed, I really feel that
the time is right for Hollywood to show solidarity with New Yorkers who
have suffered so much since September 11. I know I have. My office in
Tribeca is just a few blocks from Ground Zero. When the first tower came
down, my table at Pastis was completely covered in dust. So much for
that power breakfast. And, even worse, I lost the use of my
cellphone. For two weeks! Can you imagine how miserable my life was? Sure,
we’re back to normal, but I live every day never knowing if another attack
will rob me of my ability to make fundraising calls for the DNC in between
screenings and editing “Gangs of New York” down to a mere four hours (that
Marty; he’s a pain in my ass, but ya gotta love him!). |
|
|
|
If you recall
from our brief chat, I had mentioned that this would be a good time for
Hollywood to make amends for its ham-fisted portrayals of New York and its
citizens over the years. Hey, don’t be insulted; I’m just as guilty as
anyone! Remember, I greenlighted “Cop Land.” Hey, what can I say? Those
were back in the days when New York City cops were just a bunch of thugs
and criminals. Who knew they were actually heroes? (Although, I gotta
admit, Sylvester Stallone will always be my hero for gaining 30 pounds for
the role. That’s a true star!)
I know you
and your Academy are sort of stuck on Los Angeles and, more important,
have a contractual agreement to that new Kodak Theater. But we can get
around that, no prob! Charlie Dolan from Cablevision says he’ll rename
either Madison Square Garden as “Kodak Madison Square Garden” or Radio
City Music Hall as “Kodak Radio City Music Hall” for the night. Ya gotta
admit, Dolan’s so freakin’ creative, he could be doing Enron’s
books!
Again, that might not be enough for
you, so I’ve taken the liberty of devising some segments for an
“only-in-New-York” New York Oscarcast. Here goes:
Pre-Show: Nobody does it better than Joan Rivers. But in
keeping with Hollywood’s New Solemnity, only World Trade Center heroes
will stroll down the red carpet this year. I can’t wait to see Joan ask a
Port Authority police officer, “Who are you wearing?” And we’ve even
trained one of the body-sniffing dogs to smell her and then run away.
She’ll look up at the camera and say: “And I thought only my career
was dead.” Believe me, that line kills ‘em at Tribeca Grill.
8:00 pm: Whoopi’s opening monologue: Instead of
having her recite a bunch of inside-Hollywood jokes that no one except
Bruce Vilanch ever gets anyway, Whoopi would read a heartfelt tribute to
New York’s uniformed heroes. Something like, “We are the dreamers, but you
are the people about whom we dream.” People really like that sappy
stuff—and, she’s a good enough actress to pull it off without looking like
she’s just reading off the TelePrompTer. |
|
|
|
|
.gif)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Newsweek.MSNBC.com |
|
|
|
|
|
Click on a section below for more
News: |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
|
9:00: Instead of showing the arrival of those boring Academy
accountants (who trusts those guys nowadays, anyway?), we could have Matt
and Ben do a pre-recorded accounting parody. I see them portraying
Hollywood accountants manipulating the final numbers for the year’s
top-grossing film, “Spider-Man,” to show that the movie actually
lost $20 million even though it grossed close to $500 million.
Kirsten Dunst will appear as herself—and man, will she be pissed that she
accepted 1 percent of the net instead of her usual flat fee of $8
million.
9:30-10:00: “The World Trade
Center: A Tribute in Pictures”: This lively montage will consist of World
Trade Center shots from classic movies like “King Kong” (the remake),
“Escape from New York,” “Crocodile Dundee (I and II!),” “The Wiz,” “Home
Alone 2,” “Godzilla” (not the Jap version, but that one with Matthew
Broderick), “Armageddon,” “Ghostbusters (I and II!),” “Die Hard with a
Vengeance,” and, of course, that scene in “Godspell” where those hippie
Jesus freaks are dancing on the observation deck singing “All for the
Best” (note to producers: Let’s do this segment MOS).
10:00-10:30: “Tribute to New York City Film Heroes,”
introduced by Robert De Niro and Harvey Keitel. Picture this: De Niro
comes out in his Travis Bickle raincoat and Keitel has on the cop uniform
he wore in “The Bad Lieutenant.” Keitel starts introducing the segment
when all of a sudden, De Niro turns to him and says, “You tawkin’ to me?
You tawkin’ to me?” It’ll be a freakin’ riot! And I think you’ll
agree that nothing says, “We respect the NYPD” more than hearing Harvey
Keitel scream, “Show me your a-s!” at three kids from
Jersey.
11:00: Every Oscar broadcast
needs a dance number, and what would be better than seeing Rob Lowe
dancing with Minoru Yamasaki, the architect of the World Trade Center? I
know he’s hot, hot, hot right now, but his agent owes me a favor ever
since I let him renovate my kitchen (Yamasaki, that is, not Lowe!
Robbie’ll do anything for work now that he’s left “The West
Wing.”)
Midnight: What could be
better than announcing the winner of the Best Picture category live from
Ground Zero? We’ve even lined up five World Trade Center widows to read
the name of each nominee! I realize that’s risky, but if they start
complaining that the proposed memorial isn’t big enough, we’ll just cue
the band!
Take care,
Harvey
Gersh Kuntzman is also a columnist for The New York Post and a
sportswriter for The Brooklyn Papers. His Web site is at http://www.gersh.tv/
© 2002 Newsweek,
Inc.
|
|
|
.gif){kind=spacer}
Perspectives
