Gersh Kuntzman, the New York Post columnist, told me he
was preparing a column on a rite of summer,
the arrival of frogs to Chinatown, by buying some and bringing them
to a friend who ran a restaurant on the Upper West Side, and I asked
if I could tag along. He cheerfully agreed and gave me directions to
his apartment in Park Slope.
I was greeted at the door by a slight man in his mid-30ís, with
freckles, wire-rimmed glasses and curly brown hair.
We went into Mr. Kuntzmanís study. He put a computer into his
knapsack and asked me what my angle was. Heís lately published a
thrown-off book about baldness called Hair!, and I said I
didnít understand how he could care about the subject when he had so
"O.K., just look at this pictureĖ" Mr. Kuntzman handed me a
picture of himself 15 years ago. He had on a black gown and a
mortarboard slanting off a thick mass of hair.
"Is that a wig?" I said.
"No, no. But the picture explains everything. Wait till we get on
We were in a hurry, because he had to buy the frogs at the right
moment so he could bring them fresh to his chef friend when the
lunch run was over. Then Mr. Kuntzmanís wife came in from her walk.
Julie Rosenberg is a tall, striking woman with wide cheekbones and
pretty eyes. She warned him not to bring any frogs back to the
On the subway, Mr. Kuntzman described his career. Heíd been in
graduate school for Russian literature when he realized that heíd
never get pleasure from seeking out undiscovered writers in the
original Russian, so he quit and got a job at a wrestling magazine
and was soon writing fake letters to the editor about Andre the
Giant, using friendsí names. Before long he was at the
Resident, then the Post.
We got to Mott Street ahead of schedule and checked out the
garbage pails filled with frogs. Mr. Kuntzman rummaged intently in
the muck. Heíd done most of his legwork already and had been told
two tricks of how to pick a good frog. But we had time to kill, so
we went around the corner and sat down for a lemonade.
I asked him about the picture in his study.
"O.K., the guy in that picture was a nebbish. An undateable
nebbish," he said. "Heís a funny guy. A nice guy. Everybody likes
the guy. But no oneís sleeping with him. His daily experience in
college was the same social-outcast thing that bald guys experience.
So I could sympathize."
"Well, how did you get your wife?" I said.
"I met her in January 1991 at a party. She was very funny, and I
fell instantly in love with her. Not love at first sight, but love
at first conversation. I was totally smitten. But I was the guy in
that picture. So we were friends for eight months. Totally
Mr. Kuntzman sighed as he collapsed back into that terrible
"I always had to run through a war of attrition till women would
be attracted to me," he said. "Eventually, after months of knowing
me, they would be attracted to the whole package."
Mr. Kuntzman was like a character from a Russian short story. I
said that he was self-deprecating to a fault.
"I believe I am genuinely self-deprecating. Iím not proud of a
lot of things. I donít think what I do is great or even good"Ėhe
leaned forward with a suddenly fierce expressionĖ"but I defy you to
find someone who could have done all the research and all the
writing on that bookĖ70,000 words, start to finishĖin two months.
Itís by no means a great book. I wish I had had more time. But Iíll
tell you that itís not bad. And the typing alone of 300 pages would
take some people a month. Just the typing!"
"Letís be psychological for a minute."
Mr. Kuntzman shut his eyes. "I have no psychological
"What do you think of people who do O.K. work, but they think
itís great?" I said. "I have some friends like that."
"Theyíre serious assholes."
"All right, fineĖtheyíre assholes. What is a guy who does O.K.
work and says itís no good?"
Mr. Kuntzman didnít have to think about it. "The word for that
person is a dick. The difference between an asshole and a dickĖ and
there is a difference, which is not appreciatedĖan asshole is
someone who deserves our scorn. But the dick is someone who just
Now I was beginning to see Mr. Kuntzman as a character from an
old Yiddish joke, one of those guys in the old country who insist
that theyíre nobodies Ö.
Mr. Kuntzman told me about an exchange heíd had with a
"As a writer, you know that most letters you get are handwritten,
and theyíre like virulently anti-Semitic. Someone will cut out a
photograph of Ariel Sharon from the Post and circle it and
write, ĎSlimy Jew bastardĖdie!í Why they send them to me, I donít
know. But recently I got this letter from someone who said, ĎI canít
help it. I love you. Youíve become such an inspiration to me. Now my
life has focus.í So on.
"I wasnít sure what to make of it. Iím so reluctant to think of
my work as high-quality. Because I think that anyone who thinks of
their work as being great is extremely obnoxious. I thought this guy
was maybe being sarcastic. So I wrote him back: ĎListen, I canít
tell if youíre serious or being sarcastic. Either way, I approve.
But you should knowĖif youíre being sarcastic, I donít think itís
warranted, because I donít think Iíve put myself out there as the
"And this guy wrote back and said, ĎI was not being sarcastic.
Why would you immediately leap to thoughts of sarcasm?í"
Mr. Kuntzman glanced at the clock: 1:45. We jumped up.
The less about the frogs, the better. My father believes that
some people have a Victorian basement, a part of their personality
that is submerged beneath respectability and filled with unspeakable
cruelty. I realize that I have a Victorian basement, and Mr.
Kuntzman probably does, too.
We carried two bags of clubbed, skinned frogs onto the subway. I
told Mr. Kuntzman I wasnít sure what he was saying about praise and
"Why does anyone work in the newspaper business? Expenses and
free newspapers is why. Itís easy work, and itís fun to meet all
these people. Itís embarrassingly untaxing to do what we do. Look at
my fingersĖnot a callous on them. But you see, I felt that this
reader may have felt that I was putting on airs. A lot of people
interpret self-deprecation in a writer as putting on airs. I think
you must know what Iím trying to say, but itís not something Iíve
ever put into words."
The ordinarily glib Mr. Kuntzman suddenly became silent, staring
at the subway doors.
"Vincent Price was not a good actor. But he knew that he was not
a good actor, and he was winking at you even while he was chewing
"And"ĖMr. Kuntzmanís eyes lit upĖ"that made him a good actor.
Because he knew he wasnít a good actor, and he didnít sit around
saying, ĎI should be doing Hamlet.í He was in on the joke.
Like Iím in on the joke. Isnít this a joke? Iím not proud itís a
joke Ö but itís a joke.
"So thatís what bothered me about that reader. If he thought Iím
not in on the joke; if he thought Iím being a self-aggrandizing
We left the subway and walked to the Avenue Bistro on Columbus
Avenue. Chef and owner Scott Campbell came out and led us back to
the kitchen. It was crowded, and we had to press ourselves into the
corner as Mr. Campbell, a tall, affable man with red cheeks, chopped
up the frogsí legs. A blond waitress came by and almost fainted. Mr.
Campbell dumped them in a pot of milk, tossed them in flour, then
sautťed them in olive oil with garlic.
We ate them in the kitchen. Mr. Campbellís culinary philosophy is
to let the real nature of a protein come through. So these were
really frogs. His wife Linda came up and ate one. "These are
lovely," she said. "Theyíre sweet and succulent. Itís like halfway
between a poultry and a fishĖ"
Mr. Kuntzman finished writing his column sitting at a table in
the bistro with his computer, then we walked back through Central
Park to the East Side.
He described some desserts Mr. Campbell made, and I realized how
the guy in the picture in the study looked different from the guy
next to me.
"You used to be heavier," I said.
"Right," Mr. Kuntzman said, as if I had discovered a secret. "I
was 30 pounds heavier, and you know what the difference was?"
"Apple juice. Thatís the big thing: apple juice. My wife
explained this to me, and you know how recovering alcoholics are
often the biggest proselytizers about liquor? Iím that way about
apple juice. Itís a killer, that apple juice. And itís a silent
killer, because it hides behind the mask of healthy respectability.
A silent killer."
"Youíre not being serious," I said.
Mr. Kuntzman stopped next to the reservoir.
"Yes, I am. Itís a menace, is what it is."
"Well, how much apple juice were you drinking?" I said.
Mr. Kuntzman hemmed and hawed.
"I donít know, a half gallonĖmaybe a quart a day. But I am
convinced that apple juice and its seconds, such as Sunny Delight
and other such beverages, are responsible for 90 percent of
childhood obesity. The juice of one apple, you say what can be
harmful about that? An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But 20
apples a day? Eventually thatís 20 pounds."
Mr. Kuntzman could be something of a crank. I was saved by his
beeper. Mr. Kuntzman checked the screen, and it was his wife. I lent
him my cell phone to call her.
"These are totally antisocial, and totally dangerous on the
road," Mr. Kuntzman said, covering his mouth with his hand so no one
would see him using the phone.
He hung up, and we had to go our separate ways. I said in parting
that heíd gotten off some pretty good jokes in his book, and he
"So you do appreciate some of your lines," I said.
He shrugged. "Iím a writer. If I donít do it, whoís going
You may reach Philip Weiss via email at: firstname.lastname@example.org