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| Who’s the Most Un-American? | |||||||
| New York and San Francisco, finalists to be the U.S. representative for the 2012 Summer Olympics, have little in common with the rest of the country. So what gives? | |||||||
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| Sept. 2 — Is this an Olympic official’s idea of a sick joke on Middle America? |
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LAST WEEK, THE U.S. Olympic Committee announced that New York and San Francisco are the finalists to compete against other world capitals for the 2012 Summer Games. Nothing against San Francisco or New York—they are both great cities with lots to do, plenty of interesting people and big pools of money with which to bribe Olympic officials—but since when do San Francisco and New York represent our nation in anything? In San Francisco, people sit in cafes all day long on one cup of coffee. It’s like freakin’ Europe, for pete’s sake. In New York, people work 90 hours a week with a 10-minute break to go out of their cubicle to get a slice of pizza that they must eat at their desk so they won’t miss any phone calls. It’s like a freakin’ Indonesian Nike factory, for pete’s sake. In San Francisco, two men walking down the street arm in arm are probably members of the Board of Education. In New York, two men walking down the street arm in arm are probably carrying something they stole from your car. |
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In San Francisco, dot.com millionaires have gone back to live with their parents in San Bruno. In New York, dot.com millionaires have gone back to live with their parents in Yonkers. In San Francisco, being committed to the New Age movement means learning your yoga positions, laying crystals on your body and rearranging your furniture based on the ancient principles of feng shui. In New York, being committed to the New Age movement means injecting botulism into your face so you can never frown. In San Francisco, a single man who’s straight can’t fail with the ladies. In New York, a single man who fails with the ladies can go straight to a prostitute. Face it, it’s Baghdad by the Bay vs. Sodom on the Hudson. Aren’t there other cities that would’ve more ably represented our nation? | ||||||||||||||||||
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Perhaps not. The original list of eight possible cities included Los Angeles(been there, done that); Cincinnati (where Jerry Springer was mayor); Dallas (whose only internationally known tourist attraction is the grassy hill where that CIA agent held that black umbrella even though it wasn’t raining); Tampa (I believe one committee member was quoted as saying, ‘No freakin’ way; I’m still on intravenous fluids after the heat stroke I got in Atlanta in 1996’); Houston (‘Did you hear me? Intravenous fluids!’); and Washington, D.C. (the capital of the one nation on earth that every other nation on earth agrees upon). Houston and Washington were in the running until last week’s announcement. Needless to say, Houston and Washington officials were pretty damn steamed (off the record) and downright pleased (on the record) about the USOC decision to settle on the two least-American cities (damn, even Tokyo is more American than New York or San Francisco). “Well, that’s how they made the decision this time,” said Susan Bandi, president of Houston 2012 (which will shortly change its name to Houston 2016 and, eventually, Houston 2020). “First, they told us that the most important thing would be ‘Do you have the stadiums and the venues?’ Then, they told us that they wanted a city with international appeal. They want the Games back in the United States and this is how they feel they can get them.” | ||||||||||||||||||
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Even the USOC press release last week subtly inferred that the United States would never win back the Olympic Games if it continues to use the selection process as a way of getting second-tier cities (Atlanta) on the map or getting fourth-tier cities (Salt Lake City) off it. You can no longer get the Olympics if your town can only offer foreign visitors a trip to the Coca-Cola Museum or a vain search for some of that famous Utah Jazz they heard so much about. “In the end, we chose the best bid that has the best chance to win,” said Charles H. Moore, who headed the task force that will choose our final representative in November. “It [came] down to international strategy appeal.” That eliminated Houston (even Houston Chronicle columnist Fran Blineberry admitted that the town’s best-known tourist site is the Fred Hartman Bridge). But what about Washington, D.C.? In theory, our nation’s capital represents our nation, right? I called up Mayor Tony Williams, but he was too busy forging petition signatures to take my call, so John Koskinen, the city administrator, got back to me. Koskinen complained that the city of Washington, D.C. is being held responsible for all those “last superpower”-style decisions coming from one end of Pennsylvania Avenue. | ||||||||||||||||||
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“We were told that there were some concerns [on the committee] that all the anti-Americanism around the world would hurt Washington’s chances,” Koskinen said. “Well, what are you going to do?” (One thing you shouldn’t do is subpoena then-International Olympic Committee president Juan Antonio Samaranch. I mean, grilling Martha Stewart is one thing—who’s going to get made at you, the makers of Egyptian combed cotton sheets—but subpoenaing the IOC president when you’re trying to win the Olympic Games is like bringing brisket to the Friday night pot luck dinner at the Vatican.) Of course, if there was any justice at all, all eight preliminary cities would’ve been thrown out and the whole shebang would’ve gone to a great U.S. city like Chicago, Boston or Toronto. (OK, I realize Toronto isn’t technically a U.S. city, but, c’mon, who are we kidding here?) And, if you’ll tolerate another aside, if the Salt Lake City bribery scandal didn’t convince you that the Olympic movement is a scam, now the carriers of the Olympic torch want to eliminate three sports: baseball, softball and Modern pentathlon. I know I speak for all of my countrymen when I say that they’ll eliminate those sports over my cold, dead body. I mean, Modern pentathlon is practically our national pastime. So, we’re stuck with San Francisco and New York. I called both cities’ Olympic representatives to find out why, but naturally, the NYC2012 people didn’t call me back because they were too busy being obnoxious New Yorkers. But the San Franciscans were only too happy to talk about their town. “We’re not only the world’s most popular destination,” Tony Winnicker, a spokesman for the Bay Area Sports Organization Committee, said, citing an annual survey done by Conde Nast Traveler magazine. “More important, we’re an incredibly diverse place.” Diverse? You don’t say “diverse” to a New Yorker unless you’re prepared to back it up. I can walk a half-mile in Queens and have churros con chocolate for breakfast, Pad Thai for lunch, chicken tikka masala for dinner and Brazilian churrascuria for a fourth meal. | ||||||||||||||||||
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“Believe me, in the Bay Area, athletes from every country on earth will be able to get a home cooked meal,” Winnicker said. “Perhaps,” I challenged, “but will Ecuadorian athletes be able to get guinea pig—their national dish—like they can in Queens?” “Yes, I guarantee it,” Winnicker responded. “But will it be cooked nice and leathery like I—er, I mean the Ecuadorian athletes—like it?” Winnicker stumbled, admitting that he’d never actually had Ecuadorian guinea pig, a stunning admission that, I hope, will be duly noted by the USOC. “I did eat Burmese last night,” he offered, meekly. Burmese? That’s so 1997. Gersh Kuntzman is also a columnist for The New York Post and a sportswriter for The Brooklyn Papers. His website is http://www.gersh.tv © 2002 Newsweek, Inc. | ||||||||||||||||||
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