August 1, 2000
Inside Philadelphia's First Union Center, issues
of Great National Import are being discussed. The party's best
orators are waxing about their nominee's moral fiber and
strength of character. Inspirational videos are being shown to
motivate and energize the electorate.
And an informal delegation of young Republican guys are
working hard to score some red, hot and blue Republican
That's right, I spent Sunday night partying with the
Young Republicans - and found them just as oversexed as the
president they say debased the Oval Office.
Having attended college almost two decades ago, I only
knew Young Republicans as stiff, self-satisfied boys who would
never shut up about how badly they needed a tax cut when all
they really needed was a better haircut and a dose of
Yet, I've been told, the political climate in this
country has changed to the point where Young Republicanism has
actually become hip and, dare I say it, sexy on America's
college campuses. Clearly, this called for investigation.
crashed the Young Republicans mixer at the Dock Street brewpub
and found that the Young GOPhers were making good on their
promise to turn the Party of Lincoln into the party of
dorky 22-year-old named Brandon sidles over with an
ever-so-suave Jack and Ginger and explains the growing appeal
of the Young Republicans.
"Everyone knows that we throw the best parties because
we know the ladies who like to get boozed up and get laid," he
Don't Democratic women enjoy the same two activities?
"Maybe," Brandon shrugs. "But we're only interested in
quality, Republican women. They love us because we lick their
would ask the inevitable follow-up (just one more question,
Senator!) but it is increasingly clear that, despite his
bravado, the closest this guy has ever gotten to muff is the
time he Philip Rothed all over his mother's fur hand-warmer.
Just then, a platter of kamikazes materializes, paid
for out of the treasury of a Young Republican club in western
Massachusetts. Everyone grabs his drink and a solemn quiet
Finally, they toast in unison: "To bush!" They are not
talking about the nominee.
club member named Richard enters the bar, accompanied by a
woman so hot that Tom Daschle would consider changing his
party affiliation. Richard tells me he believes fully in the
GOP's platform - including the anti-abortion plank that, polls
show, offends the majority of American women - and his date
Janine tells me that such politics would not dissuade her from
giving a studly guy some tax relief.
"You may not believe this, but we have pro-life women
in our club who love sex," Richard says. "Good sex, too. Just
because they're pro-life doesn't mean they're stiff, virginal
types. We have some really hot women in our club who
definitely sleep around."
wondered if it was more difficult to score with chicks when
your opening line is, "Hey, baby, if the condom breaks, don't
even think about Preven."
"I'd never use that as an opener," Richard protests.
"Sometimes, I just introduce myself as the State Committeeman.
That's an elected office. I worked hard to get all those
people to vote for me. Women seem to like that."
Another young GOPer joins us and explains that his
opening line is more counterintuitive.
"When I'm with non-Republicans, I use my conservatism
as a bad-boy kinda thing," he says. "I'll meet a woman and
say, 'I think we should cut down all the trees and kill all
the little cuddly things in the forest.' It's a good opener
because she thinks I'm kidding, even though I really believe
that. But by the time she finds out, I've had my fun."
Leon, a 25-year-old from Pennsylvania, is also doing
his part to renew America's purpose. "I'm a pro-life
Libertarian and I'm getting laid all the time," says Leon.
"I'll get married and be faithful to my wife and family values
will be a wonderful nucleus of my life some day, but not now.
I'm getting too much pussy."
Leon says he's slept with 28 different women, yet only
used a condom three times. And you call that personal
"I pull out," he says.
Barbi, a cheerleader type from Texas, confirms that
strong values do not have to interfere with an active
premarital sex life. "I'm not into free love," she says,
leaning forward enough to reveal she's got no deficit in her
most important budget column. "I think Democratic women are so
much sluttier than we are. But, that said, I have some really
hot sex. Really hot."
She declines to explain the specific techniques that
make her lovemaking so blistering, but she reminded me that,
unlike her kamikaze-quaffing counterparts in Massachusetts,
Young Republicans from Texas actually have access to that
greatest of aphrodisiacs. "What can I say, power makes me
hot," Barbi sighs.
"We're going to win in November and I'm getting hotter
just thinking about it."
All names have been changed to protect the reputations -- and
inevitable political careers of -- everyone