Tuesday, August 1, 2000

Inside Philadelphia's First Union Center, issues of Great National Import are being discussed. The party's best orators are waxing about their nominee's moral fiber and strength of character. Inspirational videos are being shown to motivate and energize the electorate.

And an informal delegation of young Republican guys are working hard to score some red, hot and blue Republican poontang.

That's right, I spent Sunday night partying with the Young Republicans - and found them just as oversexed as the president they say debased the Oval Office.

Having attended college almost two decades ago, I only knew Young Republicans as stiff, self-satisfied boys who would never shut up about how badly they needed a tax cut when all they really needed was a better haircut and a dose of humility.

Yet, I've been told, the political climate in this country has changed to the point where Young Republicanism has actually become hip and, dare I say it, sexy on America's college campuses. Clearly, this called for investigation.

I crashed the Young Republicans mixer at the Dock Street brewpub and found that the Young GOPhers were making good on their promise to turn the Party of Lincoln into the party of drinkin'.

A dorky 22-year-old named Brandon sidles over with an ever-so-suave Jack and Ginger and explains the growing appeal of the Young Republicans.

"Everyone knows that we throw the best parties because we know the ladies who like to get boozed up and get laid," he says.

Don't Democratic women enjoy the same two activities?

"Maybe," Brandon shrugs. "But we're only interested in quality, Republican women. They love us because we lick their muff."

I would ask the inevitable follow-up (just one more question, Senator!) but it is increasingly clear that, despite his bravado, the closest this guy has ever gotten to muff is the time he Philip Rothed all over his mother's fur hand-warmer.

Just then, a platter of kamikazes materializes, paid for out of the treasury of a Young Republican club in western Massachusetts. Everyone grabs his drink and a solemn quiet descends.

Finally, they toast in unison: "To bush!" They are not talking about the nominee.

A club member named Richard enters the bar, accompanied by a woman so hot that Tom Daschle would consider changing his party affiliation. Richard tells me he believes fully in the GOP's platform - including the anti-abortion plank that, polls show, offends the majority of American women - and his date Janine tells me that such politics would not dissuade her from giving a studly guy some tax relief.

"You may not believe this, but we have pro-life women in our club who love sex," Richard says. "Good sex, too. Just because they're pro-life doesn't mean they're stiff, virginal types. We have some really hot women in our club who definitely sleep around."

With Republicans?

"With everyone."

I wondered if it was more difficult to score with chicks when your opening line is, "Hey, baby, if the condom breaks, don't even think about Preven."

"I'd never use that as an opener," Richard protests. "Sometimes, I just introduce myself as the State Committeeman. That's an elected office. I worked hard to get all those people to vote for me. Women seem to like that."

Another young GOPer joins us and explains that his opening line is more counterintuitive.

"When I'm with non-Republicans, I use my conservatism as a bad-boy kinda thing," he says. "I'll meet a woman and say, 'I think we should cut down all the trees and kill all the little cuddly things in the forest.' It's a good opener because she thinks I'm kidding, even though I really believe that. But by the time she finds out, I've had my fun."

Leon, a 25-year-old from Pennsylvania, is also doing his part to renew America's purpose. "I'm a pro-life Libertarian and I'm getting laid all the time," says Leon. "I'll get married and be faithful to my wife and family values will be a wonderful nucleus of my life some day, but not now. I'm getting too much pussy."

Leon says he's slept with 28 different women, yet only used a condom three times. And you call that personal responsibility?

"I pull out," he says.

Barbi, a cheerleader type from Texas, confirms that strong values do not have to interfere with an active premarital sex life. "I'm not into free love," she says, leaning forward enough to reveal she's got no deficit in her most important budget column. "I think Democratic women are so much sluttier than we are. But, that said, I have some really hot sex. Really hot."

She declines to explain the specific techniques that make her lovemaking so blistering, but she reminded me that, unlike her kamikaze-quaffing counterparts in Massachusetts, Young Republicans from Texas actually have access to that greatest of aphrodisiacs. "What can I say, power makes me hot," Barbi sighs.

"We're going to win in November and I'm getting hotter just thinking about it."

[Note: All names have been changed to protect the reputations -- and inevitable political careers of -- everyone involved.]

[ 100% True ]

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