In case you needed proof that the American-led occupation of Iraq has been a complete and unequivocal success, the Christian Science Monitor brought it home last week with a report that an Iraqi TV network is airing what is believed to be the country's first reality program.

advertisement

Kinda makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it?

The show, called "Labor and Materials,"  is broadcast each week on Al Sharqiya TV (the name means "the Eastern one"), Iraq's first privately owned satellite channel. Think of it as the  Iraqi network's version of U.S. home improvement reality shows like "Trading Spaces" or "While You Were Out." Each week, a crew randomly chooses a house destroyed during the American-led  war in Iraq and rebuilds, restores and refurnishes it. In at least one case, they had to return for more repairs after the house was damaged again.

As Dave Barry says, I am not making this up.

But as I read more about Al Sharqiya's program, I couldn't help but think that the Christian Science Monitor had it wrong: "Labor and Materials" is hardly Iraq's first reality show. In fact, one could argue that the entire American-led invasion and occupation of Iraq has been one extended reality show. Who could forget these high-rated classics from our year-and-a-half misadventure:

Antiquities Roadshow: Two renowned experts from the British Museum invite people who looted Iraqi heritage sites to bring in relics of ancient Mesopotamia and learn their value. In a surprise twist, the looters are paid and the relics end up years later in ... the British Museum!

Who Wants to Give Ahmed a Stable Job?: Modeled on the Regis Philbin game show hit, contestants compete not for a million dollars, but for a stable job in one of the new Iraqi ministries. And instead of trick questions, contestants have to be watchful for trickily hidden landmines, sewage-filled rivers and suicide bombers who target anyone perceived as supporting the occupation.

Fear Factor: Baghdad:Hosted by Secretary of State Colin Powell, this reality show doesn't require contestants to eat worms, maggots and cockroaches. Instead, Powell pulls out that vial of fake white powder that he showed off to the United Nations and sprinkles the contents on contestants' arms. When it turns out to be nothing more than baby powder, contestants vie to get Powell to make some lame excuse for why he lied to the entire world.

Advertisement Hair! Mankind's Historic Quest to End Baldness by Gersh Kuntzman

Next War Neighbors: Six American contestants are given mid-level jobs in various intelligence agencies and compete to see whose memo about the nuclear threat embodied by Iran and North Korea gets ignored by President Bush. In the bonus round, two finalists storm into the Oval Office demanding a harder line against the Saudi Arabians—only to find that the president is at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, clearing brush.

The Amazing Race: Two American reconstruction companies race to finish rebuilding Iraq's southern oil fields before insurgents bomb all the pipelines, refineries and transfer stations that they've already built. In a surprise twist, the losing company ends up winning by billing the American government for more money.

Who Wants to Behead My Hostage?: Initially panned as over-the-top, this reality program quickly gained popularity among Iraqis once it became clear how quickly weaker members of the Coalition of the Willing would withdraw their troops at the first sign of an unsheathed sword.

Sunni in the City: The Iraqi version of the popular U.S. program, "Amish in the City," follows six Sunni Muslims as they try to make a new life in Shiite-dominated Iraq after the fall of Sunni protector Saddam Hussein. Raucous hijinks ensue as women Sunnis can't figure out how to see out of their burqas, the men are disarmed and sent into Sadr City with buttons reading, "Kiss me, I'm Sunni!", and the entire country plunges into civil war.

Who Wants to Run Fallujah?: Six of Saddam Hussein's Baathist generals compete to see which one will run the insurgent-filled city of Fallujah. The winner must swear his allegiance to occupying forces, but then throw a blockade around the city and not allow Coalition forces to root out the newly emboldened terrorists. In the bonus round, the winner will provide safe haven to suicide bombers!

Boiling Points: On the MTV version of this show, contestants are filmed in various "real life" situations (receiving poor treatment from a cashier, being photographed against their wishes, suffering from a weird customer at a restaurant) and are timed to see how long it takes before they pass their own personal boiling point. In the Iraqi version, contestants are also pushed to the limit (receiving sporadic electrical service, being detained against their wishes, suffering from raw sewage flowing through their streets) and are timed to see how quickly they will pick up an AK-47 and join the insurgency.

AMERICAN BEAT     Current Column | Archives • Kuntzman: It's Not Easy Being Green The Green Party's presidential candidate speaks out against the war, fossil fuel dependence, and the Patriot Act—but is anybody listening? • Kuntzman: USDA Pyramid Schemes The USDA is revising its food pyramid, but since the agency represents agricultural producers—not consumers—our columnist questions who the pyramid will really benefit

Pimp My WMDs: Six former Iraqi biological and chemical weapons researchers compete to repurpose mobile germ labs, missile silos and anthrax atomizers into harmless tractors, underground potato drying sheds, fertilizer spreaders. The winner is the former scientist who tricks the Bush administration into lobbing a cruise missile into his harmless device.

Wonk'd: This show features actors in a series of skits designed to convince President Bush  either to invade Iraq  or not. In one scene, two actors posing as neo-cons present a scenario in which American soldiers are greeted with flowers and candy as they oust Saddam Hussein and unleash a domino effect of democracy throughout the Middle East. In another, the actors portray a team of CIA experts telling the president that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction and is days away from releasing a nuclear bomb. In a third, the actors play the Secretary of Defense and the head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff trying to minimize Iraq's military threat. In a fourth, the actors portray French diplomats trying to make a case against war. In an uproarious twist, the President opts for invasion in every scenario—only to bust a gut when show host Paul Wolfowitz bursts out of a closet after the president has been fooled. "Ya got me again, you dog, Wolfie!" Bush laughs. Special guest star, Ashton Kutcher from "Punk'd."

Mosul Abdul: In this twist off "Outback Jack," a group of Kurdish freedom fighters surge into northern Iraqi cities and fill the subsequent power vacuum. Unlike "Outback Jack," no one is looking for love. They're just looking to kill as many Iraqis as they can.

What Not to War: Six American contestants compete to figure out what other country Washington can attack before catching Osama bin Laden. Bonus points for the contestant who looks best in a flight suit under a banner reading "Mission Accomplished."

Gersh Kuntzman is also a reporter for The New York Post. His website is at http://www.gersh.tv/

PRINT THIS ARTICLE

MORE FROM NEWSWEEK COLUMNISTS

Newsweek Columnists Section Front

• My Turn: 'Save the Elephants—Don't Buy Ivory Soap' • Will: Speech Crime in Wisconsin • Quinn: Gas Guzzlers' Shock Therapy • Zakaria: The Stealth Nuclear Threat • Newsweek Columnists Section Front

TOP STORIES • Al Qaeda's Pre-Election Plot • What Would Kerry Do? • Bin Laden's Back Channel • Putting Spike on the Spot • Books: Do the Write Thing

• Iraq PM tries to end Najaf fighting • NW: Al Qaeda's pre-election plot • U.S. fends off Turkey for victory • Heart disease differs in women • Top al-Qaida suspect nabbed