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Sept. 13 - Who would make a better president: A man who fought valiantly to save an innocent soul or a man who stood by as a defenseless being lost his life?
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The battle began at the Democratic National Convention when Alexandra Kerry, candidate John Kerry’s daughter, told what she obviously believed was a touching story of her heroic father. "We were standing on a dock waiting for a boat to take us on a summer trip," she said. "Our golden retriever got tangled in his leash and knocked the hamster cage off the dock. We watched as Licorice, the unlucky hamster, bubbled down to a watery doom. But my dad jumped in, fished the cage from the water, and began to administer CPR."
Now, granted, this is a pathetic image of a man so desperate to please his kids, so eager to protect his reputation as a "man of action," that he would resuscitate a dying hamster. Knowing Kerry, it wouldn’t surprise me to hear that he also grabbed a hamster defibrillator and yelled "CLEAR!" as he energized the tiny paddles on little Licorice’s chest—and then put in for a Purple Heart (for himself, not Licorice).
However pathetic, though, at least it’s a positive image of fatherhood. He didn’t do what most of us would have done (i.e. told his daughter to stop whining). No, he saved the hamster.
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Counter that to the Bush family hamster story, as told by the president’s daughter, Barbara, at the Republican convention two weeks ago. "We had a hamster, too," Barbara joked. "Let's just say ours didn't make it."
A cute dig at Kerry? Of course. But was it funny? Sure—if you like dead pet jokes. After all, consider what information is actually being conveyed by Barbara’s punchline: 1. She had a hamster. 2. And while Alexandra Kerry’s father saved her hamster’s life, the first daughter’s father stood idly by while it croaked.
I immediately called the White House to untangle this story. If there really was no hamster, then Barbara was just making fun of Kerry. If there was a hamster, then Barbara was making fun of her dim-witted dad and a pet she obviously never cared for). The White House played possum on the hamster story, dodging my calls for two days. But a spokeswoman finally confirmed that the Bush twins did indeed have a hamster.
No other details were provided. No name, no death certificate, no proportionally spaced documents. It was clearly a cover-up. My coverage of Hamstergate was only beginning.
Now, you might be saying to yourself (as a younger George W. Bush must have also said), "Who cares about a little hamster?" Look, I’m no great hamster lover, but for me there’s a larger issue here: It’s not so much that the hamster died on George Bush’s watch (it did), but that the death of the hamster has become a cheerful family story that gets trotted out to enhance George W. Bush’s parenting skills.
A dead hamster? Let’s review: Kerry saves his kid’s hamster’s life with a daring river rescue and he’s a wimp. Bush lets his kid’s hamster die a gruesome, lonely death, and he’s a hero of modern fatherhood? In that context, it’s no wonder that the guy who served two tours in Vietnam and came back with three Purple Hearts is the scoundrel, while the guy who avoided combat and may have disregarded orders is the bold military genius.
But perhaps my interpretation of the hamster metaphor was wrong, so I reached out to hamster owners. Like hamsters themselves, though, hamster lovers are not easy to find. I encountered no shortage of hamster websites (Hamster Haven, Hamster Homepage, Hamster Homecage, Hamster Hideout, Hamster World and Hamster Log are really the best for the true hamster lover), but few phone numbers. Many hamster fanciers would only respond to my emailed questions – and even then, suspiciously.
What I discovered amazed me: 1. Hamsters have remarkably short life spans. 2. Hamsters have a love-hate relationship to the wheel and, most important, 3. Hamster owners hate John Kerry.
It was the third discovery that surprised me. I would have thought that Kerry’s heroic battle to save Licorice would give him iconic status among hamster lovers, like Joe Montana to 49er fans or Ronald Reagan to defense contractors. But no, even hamster owners found fault with Kerry’s dockside rescue.
"Hamster discussion boards were filled with comments about Kerry's lack of knowledge of his pet," said David Ray of Chesapeake Hamstery. "Hamsters are nocturnal creatures from the arid regions of the Middle East. Bright sun, high humidity, and extreme temperature changes can stress their systems severely. Proper planning and an ability to say ‘no’ to his child would have prevented the hamster's need to be rescued."
As such, Ray concludes that Kerry would be a lousy president: "It leads one to wonder what situations Kerry may put our nation in. And in that case, who will do the rescuing?"
Linda Price, president of the California Hamster Association, credited Kerry for "caring about his daughter," but added that "the Kerry story bothered me because it implied that you can do heroic things to save a hamster. Although I have seen CPR done on a hamster once or twice [you have?!], it’s definitely the exception, not the rule."
Price informed me that the average hamster lifespan is just two or three years (usually from heart attacks "from running on the wheel," she said). So the death of a hamster is an event to be anticipated, prepared for, and dealt with. You know, by putting down the beer can and giving a poignant "death is a part of life" speech.
"It appears that Barbara Bush learned an important lesson about death" from her father, Ray said. "The death did not require drama or heroics, nor did it leave an emotional scar on the daughters. If we parallel this to Bush's form of leadership, we can see an emphasis on preparedness, and consideration for the bigger picture, without the need for dramatics or personal attention."
But doesn’t it matter that the hamster died on Bush’s watch? I mean, this is a guy who ignored a memo titled, "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S." one month before 9/11. Can’t we also conclude that he blew off the memo, "Barbara’s Hamster About to Die"?
Only one hamster lover agreed.
"He showed a complete disregard for that hamster," said Rebecca Tyler of T Bar Hamsters. "I have no idea how a story about the death of a hamster became a positive story about her father."
Another hamster lover, Larry Baschnagel (a.k.a. "The Rodent Guy") agreed that Kerry could still benefit from Hamstergate. "You have to remember," Baschnagel said, "that the vast majority of hamster owners are women" (I had forgotten). "A 46-year-old man who is into small, furry animals is not a typical thing. But women voters are going to side with Kerry on this one."
Like most hamster owners, however, Baschnagel found the Kerry story cloying, yet he couldn’t help siding with the guy with Vietnam shrapnel in his leg rather than the drunken flyboy.
"I’m not a ferret fan—they’re really not great pets, can I say that?—but you can be damn sure that if my niece’s ferret fell off a dock, Uncle Larry would be the first man in the water," he said.
Alas, Baschnagel told me he’s ruled out a run for the presidency.
Gersh Kuntzman is also a reporter for The New York Post. His website is at http://www.gersh.tv
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