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A Look Ahead

Who will make the headlines in 2004? Our columnist looks at the year in preview

Newsweek

Updated: 7:43 p.m. ET Dec. 29, 2003

Dec. 29 - Too many of our newspapers this week are going to be filled with mundane, pedestrian "Year in Review" articles. Not to disrespect the nation's other columnists, but this reporter treats you with a little more respect than they do; after all, you're smart enough to pay attention to the news all year long, so the last thing you need is a recap of the year that was.

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But as smart as you are, you still need a "leading" analyst like me to help you make sense of the year that's about to start. That's why I have always dedicated my last column of the year to a preview of the big stories that are certain to dominate the news next year.

Full disclosure: My predictions are not always accurate. Sure, I correctly divined that Bill and Hillary Clinton would spend exactly zero nights in the same bed in 2003 (that was easy), but my assertion last year that Vice President Dick Cheney would resign to join an all-nude auto-body shop has, alas, proven inaccurate (so far). That said, here is a sampling of articles you may soon be reading in your local papers:

LOCAL MAN IN HOT AFFAIR WITH SECRETARY
Blames Gay Marriage For Adultery
Fall River, Mass. -- A local man who was caught in an area motel room with his secretary is believed to be the first husband whose marriage crumbled as a result of a legally sanctioned gay marriage in nearby Attleboro.

"I saw those two gay guys get married on TV and I could feel the very bonds of my marriage weakening," said the man, Toby Felder, 36.

The secretary agreed that the gay marriage played a role in her decision to copulate with her boss repeatedly at the Fall River Days Inn. "I would never have had sex with a married man until I heard about that gay marriage," said the woman, Tiffany Amberson. "Suddenly, Toby's whole marriage seemed farcical and undermined."

The gay couple, reached by telephone on their honeymoon in Key West, Fla., agreed that their union had weakened the Felder marriage. "To be honest, that was the whole idea, really," said Bruce Johnson. "We knew Toby's marriage was about to collapse, so we figured that a high-profile, extremely gay wedding would push it over the edge."

Johnson said that the presence of two male figurines on top of the wedding cake was "probably the straw that broke the Felders' back. " He added, "Frankly, I don't know how any heterosexual marriages will survive the ongoing gay campaign to undermine the institution."

SCHWARZENEGGER DEMANDS OWN LEGISLATURE
Also Seeks His Name Above State's on Highway Signs
Sacramento, Calif. -- Decrying California as a "low-budget" state with a "B-movie mentality," Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is seeking a new contract that will pay him $20 million per legislative session, give him a percentage of every million-dollar decline in the state deficit, and force state Senate and House leaders to share a trailer.

"I'm not asking for anything more than I got on `T-3' ," the star-turned-governor told reporters. "Since `Conan The Barbarian,' I have always gotten points against the gross. And everyone on my set knows that I get the biggest trailer."

State Senate Majority Leader Richard Polanco (D-Los Angeles) gave in to Schwarzenegger's demands in exchange for a producer credit.

JENNIFER ANISTON SETS NEW RECORD
Breaks Julia Roberts's record for queries about pregnancy
Hollywood, Calif. -- In an interview yesterday, Jennifer Aniston broke Julia Roberts' once-thought-unbreakable record of questions about her pregnancy plans.

The record-breaking question occurred midway through an otherwise uneventful round-table interview promoting Aniston's forthcoming movie, "Along Came Polly." By all indications, no one was immediately aware that the record had fallen. But after reviewing the transcript hours later, Variety magazine statistician Gunner Nordstrom confirmed that Aniston had indeed been asked the question three times, thus breaking the record.

"You're kidding!" Aniston said in a statement afterwards. "I mean, I knew we were getting close [to the record], but I didn't think I'd ever top Julia. I mean, she's like the Lou Gehrig of impertinent, inappropriate, relentless media questioning about the deeply personal decision to have a child. Brad and I are so proud."

For the record, Aniston did not answer the question, but changed the subject to her new stylist. Transcripts show that interviewers then stayed on that topic for 45 minutes.

WHITE HOUSE DEMANDS ELIMINATION OF NOV. ELECTION
`Too Divisive At this Critical Time ,' the president says
Washington, DC -- President Bush has asked the Supreme Court to cancel this November's presidential election on the grounds that a "divisive, partisan" campaign would "tear the fabric of our country at this difficult time."

"Look, we need to speak with one voice right now," the president said. "But all I'm hearing from my opponents is divisiveness and anger. The enemies of freedom exploit our differences, so we must stand united. And since I'm a uniter, not a divider, I promise to unite us for four more years."

Democratic candidates Sen. Joseph Lieberman and Rep. Dick Gephardt issued a joint statement applauding the president's proposal, reiterating that they both had supported the war in Iraq. "We think the president is doing a great job."

MAYOR BLOOMBERG BANS CARBOHYDRATES
Atkins Diet is New York's Official Regimen
New York, N.Y. -- Flush from the success of his citywide smoking ban, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg has banned restaurants from serving any meal with more than 30 grams of carbohydrates.

"Look, we're dealing with a known killer here," the mayor said. "Carbohydrates--whether simple or complex--are responsible for the deaths of 15,000 New Yorkers every year."

Steakhouses and all-you-can-eat salad bars hailed the plan, while Italian restaurants condemned it as "pseudo-science."

The mayor rejected the criticism, but did allow one exception to the ban: Runners in the New York City Marathon will still be allowed to "carbo-load" on the night before the race, but they will not be allowed any dessert.

WHITE HOUSE DISAPPOINTS ENERGY, MINING INDUSTRIES
Admits There's Nothing Left to Burn, Mine, Pollute, Pave Over or Despoil
Washington, D.C. -- Responding to complaints from power plant, mining and automobile lobbyists, the Bush Administration admitted this week that it could no longer support those industries because America's public lands are "fully exploited."

"We've got to be honest with you," Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton told the lobbyists at a closed-door meeting yesterday, "there's no public land left to exploit. We've burned every acre of national forest, we've mined every square mile of public land, we've polluted the entire sky from Michigan to Massachusetts, we've paved over every inch of wetlands and we've dumped battery acid in all the major streams west of the Ohio River."

At a news conference later, Norton admitted that the government had run out of land, but described it as a short-term problem. "This administration stands firm in its commitment to acquire more land to exploit," she said. "We refuse to take this country back to a time when so-called 'public land' was considered off-limit to the kind of wanton plundering that our growing economy demands."

Norton added that the White House was in "high-level" negotiations to buy Manitoba.

CAPITAL HILL PARTISANSHIP WORSE THAN EVER
Dem, GOP Leaders Caught Plotting Assassinations
Washington, D.C. -- Congressional infighting reached a new low this week with the admissions by both Republican and Democratic leaders that they had hired hit men to eliminate troublesome opponents.

Both Sen. Majority leader Bill Frist and Minority leader Tom Daschle were forced to admit their clandestine efforts after Frist was caught at a Capitol metal detector packing a .44 Magnum and a copy of the Almanac of American Politics with all the liberal Democrats circled in red. Daschle turned up an hour later with a $1,000 in small bills, a copy of the Republican budget proposal, the phone number of a prominent Washington gangster and a Saturday Night Special with the serial number obliterated.

But rather than abandon their murderous plans, leaders of both parties defended the schemes. "We can't work with these people!" said one Republican insider. "These Democrats are extremists who want to deprive every American of the God-given right to drive a car that gets 10 miles per gallon!"

A Democratic leader echoed the sentiment. "The deficit is out of control, yet we're the ones who get painted as fiscally reckless! This country can't afford to wait two or four years until the next election. Americans demand results now."

Anger between the two parties has been on the rise for decades. But even Beltway insiders were stunned by latest turn of events on Capitol Hill.

"We certainly didn't shy away from brass-knuckle politics," said former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. "And I certainly signed off on knee-capping back-benchers to change their vote, but assassinations? Never," said former Rep. Newt Gingrich (R-Georgia). "We certainly discussed it, but it was a line we swore never to cross."

Good government crusader Ralph Nader blamed the partisanship on everybody but himself.

Gersh Kuntzman is also Brooklyn bureau chief for The New York Post. His website is at http://www.gersh.tv/