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FINALLY, the truth about cats and dogs: Dogs are superior - at least if you're casting a play.

So concluded the producers of "He Died With a Falafel in His Hand," a cult hit that's currently running off-
 off- off- off-Broadway (OK, off-Avenue B!).

For this Australian import about down-and-out roommates, producer Jay Riedl needed a cat so she could add a
 topical joke about Gizmo, the subway cat whose owner was arrested recently for having him unleashed.

Riedl wanted to hire Gizmo himself ("That cat's unflappable!" she said), but he and owner Angel Melendez have
 disappeared.

So Riedl took out an ad in Back Stage announcing an "American Idol"-style search for The Next Big Tabby.

"This is a huge break for cats," said James Larmer, the Peter O'Toole lookalike from New Guinea who's in the
 cast. "As an actor, I know it's impossible for a cat to get a break. There are just no roles out there!"

Broadway publicist Richard Kornberg agreed that cats are second-class citizens on the Great White Way.

"There's a prejudice - albeit fair - against cats as untrainable," Kornberg said. "Even 'Cats' used fake cats."

Not just any cat would do for this play (the title refers to a character who suffers the titular demise while
 holding the titular sandwich in his titular appendage). The winning cat would have to meow on cue and jump out
 of a milk crate without the benefit of a stunt cat.

A gray purrer named Rainer was the first feline to audition.
Director Sarah Gurfield liked Rainer's "look," but
 was disappointed when he missed both cues. And when Gurfield offered polite-but-firm direction, Rainer acted
 more like Sylvester the Cat rather than Sylvester Stallone.

"Is he even listening to me?" a frustrated Gurfield asked.

Next!

The second candidate, a yellow Maine coon named Ginger, never seemed to click with her potential co-star.

"I can't work with an actor who keeps missing her cues," Larmer said. "How can I know when to start my next
 line? This is so unprofessional!"

When all hope seemed lost - there were no other cats waiting to audition - Nicole Schaeffer showed up with
 Georgia, who was a perfect cat except for one small detail: She's a dog.

"Hmmm," Gurfield said, looking longingly at the shar-pei's voluptuous folds and ability to sit on cue.

"She's strikingly different from all the other animals we've seen.

"I know it's a risky casting choice, but theater is all about taking risks," she said. "The cats were just too
 much of a wild card. Georgia is a gifted actor who will take direction. And at the end of the day, that's what
 you want in a cat."

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gersh.kuntzman@verizon.net