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The disco chains and the thinning gray pate may not make Martin Schreibman the hottest man in town, but don't
 be fooled: this man is the sex god of Brooklyn.

For fish, at least.

And that's good news for thousands of guppies, swordtails and horseshoe crabs this week, when Schreibman will
 twist a few control knobs and turn a quiet aquaculture laboratory at Brooklyn College into one big fish frat
 party (albeit without the binge drinking).

"We'll raise the water temperatures so they'll think it's mating season," said Schreibman, 66. "It feels good
 to flip the switches that fire up their gonads."

Of course, Schreibman doesn't take on the role of Eros just for fun. This is  serious work -- everything from
 genetic research to environmental study to growing the Next Big Fish for your dinner -- so he needs lots of
 fish as guinea pigs.

The horseshoe crabs, for example, will be re-introduced into Jamaica Bay. Last week, a pair of the randy,
 prehistoric creatures practiced a mating ritual that consists of the male latching onto the female and the
 female crawling away (sounds like my mating ritual).

In the wild, of course, it's a different story. "Basically," Schreibman explained, "the male grabs a girl, digs
 a hole, deposits his gametes and runs like hell." (Again, sounds like…never mind.)

Schreibman's latest project involves "farming" fish in an urban setting. In large brewery-style tanks,
 Schreibman grows tilapia, a breed known for its white flesh and its ability to separate restaurant-going
 Yuppies from cash. Schreibman believes that tilapia-farming will be New York State's next great industry.

"Urban aquaculture can get us a reliable source of high-quality fish," said Schreibman. "And tilapia are the
 perfect fish for farming."

In the lab, apparently, walleye grew too slowly and were highly cannibalistic (they sound like Hollywood
 executives), while summer flounder tended to make each other sick (again, like…never mind).

And with Schreibman's methods, even fish waste can be used as a fertilizer. So, in theory, the same fish that
 will serve as the main course can also help grow the salad.

And if a meal like that doesn't get you in the mood, turn up the thermostat and change the lighting. It works
 for the fish, right?

--30--

gersh.kuntzman@verizon.net