I've caught third-party fever.

It's quite contagious, apparently. First, Mike Bloomberg, a Republican
 candidate for mayor, created a new political party -- devoted to
 education -- and anointed himself as its candidate.

Not to be outdone, Democratic candidate Alan Hevesi developed a bad case
 of the fever and also formed an education party. The party then promptly
 selected a guy named Alan Hevesi as its candidate.

Not to be outdone, I have decided to form my own party and run as its
 candidate in November. But before delving into this weighty process, I
 called the Board of Elections, whose spokeswoman immediately threw
 several wrenches into my plan for five-borough domination.

"You have to collect 7,500 signatures by Aug. 21 and those signatures
 have to be CLEAN," Naomi Bernstein said, explaining that a "clean"
 signer is someone who has not signed any other candidate's petition
 already.

"It's not nearly as easy as it sounds," Bernstein said. That's why armies
 of "volunteers" from Hevesi's "Education Party" and Bloomberg's
 "Education First" party are fanning across the city hounding you for
 signatures.

Next, you have to come up with an issue. Hevesi and Bloomberg paid a lot
 on polls that show that education is a top priority, and when you've
 spent so much money on a poll, you obviously want to implement its
 findings.

Lacking money for a sophisticated poll, I flipped through dozens of past
 MetroGnome columns and found that I have plenty of "issues" that are
 important to me: those thin ad trucks that drive Midtown all day, people
 who litter, drivers who honk their horn THE VERY SECOND the light turns
 green, blocking the Second Avenue Subway in favor of expanding the
 Second Avenue Deli, and the shocking inability of American eaters to
 beat the Japanese in hot-dog competitions.

These are important issues, but they are hardly the bedrock principles on
 which political movements are built. So I placed another call to
 Bernstein, who suggested a compelling party theme.

"You should call it the `I Love Gersh' party," she said, implying
 strongly that she, in fact, did.

There is, of course, precedence for newspapermen running for the city's
 highest office. In 1969, Norman Mailer and Jimmy Breslin ran for Mayor
 and City Council president -- but they foolishly ran in a crowded
 Democratic primary rather than forming their own party (although they
 did steal several of my issues, such as making New York City the 51st
 state and promising "No More Bulls--t!").

I called both Mailer and Breslin for advice, but neither called me back.
 Obviously, losing to Mario Procaccino is still an open wound.

Lastly, Bernstein told me that in addition to the name of my party, my
 petitions must bear the logo of my party. Just as the Democrats have
 their donkey, the Republicans have their elephant and the Marijuana
 Reformists have their six-pointed leaf, I would need a design that would
 tell voters, in one glance, why they should love Gersh, too.

I called a graphic artist and ordered a logo that would capture the
 hopes, dreams and runaway egotism of a fledgling political movement
 devoted solely to me.

Artist Kenny Dinkin understood the job implicitly: "I chose the bagel
 because you have always fought against declining bagel quality in New
 York," Dinkin said. "It's signifies your integrity, genuine humanity and
 complex neuroses."

So now that we have a name and a logo, all I need is the single issue
 that is going to get me to Gracie Mansion. So I need your help. See that
 email address below? Use it. Hold up your end by telling me what single
 issue I should address, and I'll hold up mine by collecting signatures
 to get on the ballot in November.

Even Bernstein thought it was a good idea. "At the very least," she said,
 "you'll get material for a few good columns."

"Good" columns? Man, that woman flatters me.

--30--

email: gershny@yahoo.com