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BUT NOT EVEN I know what
book, exactly, is inside me. Until now, that is. Until Fay
Weldon.
Last week, Weldon announced that
she would be sponsored by Bulgari, the jewelry maker, for larding her text
with frequent references to the inarguable quality of Bulgari baubles in
her next book, “The Bulgari Connection.”
Many critics were shocked that Weldon would let something so crass as
product placement cheapen something so noble as literature. The New York
Times editorial page—whose own integrity is not only beyond reproach, but
beyond returning my employment-related phone calls—even condemned Weldon
for ushering in a world where books are cluttered “by the visual din of
advertising” because authors won’t be able to “resist the temptation to
turn [their] work into a billboard.”
I am
living proof that the Times is right: I can not resist the temptation. The
minute I read about Fay Weldon’s entrepreneurial genius, I started
compiling a list of my favorite products for possible sponsorship. Next, I
contacted key “business development” or “marketing” executives at all of
the “companies” and pitched them my—well, actually Weldon’s—idea.
But I went one step further, not merely
offering prominent product placement, but promising to tailor the plot of
each novel (hey, I’ve got a million of ‘em) for each company.
Here are the pitches I made to some of America’s
great businesses:
.gif) To Kellogg’s: The murder mystery, tentatively titled “Stool
Pigeon,” centers around an ornery, “Columbo”-style NYPD detective named
Jake Ringler. Although he is fueled by an unshakable sense of justice,
Jake is like many middle-aged men: behind his invincible outer layer, is a
man who needs all the nutritional help he can get. I know from personal
experience the benefit of the 5 grams of fiber I get in every bowl of
Raisin Bran. A healthy breakfast is so important when you’re trying to
chase down criminals. So for a nominal fee, Raisin Bran cereal would be
Jake Ringler’s breakfast of champions. (No response—yet—from vice
president Mike Libbing.)
To Ferrero, makers of Nutella: My novel, tentatively titled
“Sweets for the Sweet,” is a bittersweet love story centering around two
characters, a chef and a food critic, who fall in love at a gourmet
dessert trade show. It’s the classic “boy meets girl, boy gets girl after
they reveal to each other their love for Nutella, boy loses girl, boy wins
back girl by inventing a totally new chocolate confection that he names
after girl” story. If we can work out some kind of arrangement (a small
fee, perhaps), I would ensure that the new chocolate confection created by
my main character is owned and distributed by Ferrero. (No
response—yet—from marketing director Brad Maslan.)
To Salton, makers of the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing
Grilling Machine: As a huge fan of your product, I am prepared to feature
the George Foreman grill prominently in my book, a comedy tentatively
titled “The Man Who Loved Beef.” The main character, Bernard Lustig, is
constantly searching for the perfect way to cook meat, yet is flummoxed
because current methods don’t allow him to enjoy the taste of grilling
with the fat reduction that your grill offers. I assure you that, for a
small fee, I would be more than happy to have him discover the joys of the
Foreman grill. (No response—yet—from the company.)
To Tropicana: My novel, tentatively titled “Fresh Squeezed,” is a
mystery set in a Manhattan juice bar. The main character, Neville
Underwood, is the owner of a juice bar called “Neville’s Nectars.” Despite
years of churning out special juices for his customers (they all love his
wheatgrass, mango, kiwi and apple concoction), Neville drinks Tropicana
Pure Premium in the privacy of his own home. It’s not that he doesn’t like
his own juice bar products, but sometimes he just yearns for the simple,
pure things in life. (No response—yet—from James Copeland, director of
business development.)
To Coca-Cola: My novel, tentatively titled “The Real Thing,” is a
crime mystery set in Manhattan and centers around police detective Seamus
McCabe. Although most of his colleagues are hard-drinking cops, McCabe
fuels himself only with a hunger for justice—and a thirst for Diet Coke.
If we can work out some kind of arrangement (a small fee, perhaps), I
would love to make Diet Coke the beverage of choice for Detective McCabe.
Let’s face it, what better way is there to fuel up for an all-night
stake-out—yet remain on your diet—than downing a few Diet Cokes? (No
response—yet—from new business ventures president Steven Heyer.)
To Converse: My novel, tentatively titled “Gumshoe,” is a crime
story set in current day New York City. Our main character, NYPD detective
Sam “Mercury” Morris, is a cop who not only always gets his man, but
always gets his man in record time. Sure, he’s got some quirks—he never
uses bank ATM machines, for example, because they’ve allowed banks to cut
down on teller hours while still charging us fees—but his unshakable
loyalty to Converse All-Stars is the personality trait that defines him.
If we can work out some kind of arrangement (a small fee, perhaps), I
would promise that every time Sam chases down a thug in the back alley of
a just-robbed bodega, his Converse All-Stars will give him the extra speed
he needs. Every time he’s outrunning some hoodlum in a 1975 Oldsmobile,
his Converse All-Stars will save his neck. (No response—yet—from marketing
vice president David Maddocks.)
To Compaq: My novel, tentatively titled “Yours Truly,” is a
classic epistolary story, but updated for the computer generation. Like
the classic “novel-in-letters,” my book will consist of correspondence
sent back and forth between our star-crossed lovers, Bernard Lustig, a
hard-bitten New York writer, and Ione, a lovely Greek woman he meets by
chance during a vacation on the island of Samos. His letters are typed on
a Compaq Presario model 1655, while hers are handwritten to show the
contrast between the two cultures. If we can work out some kind of
arrangement (a small fee, perhaps), I would ensure that Compaq is the
computer of choice for Bernard Lustig. I see Lustig as a Compaq-kinda guy.
He’s grounded in the here and now—and, as such, certainly not an Apple
user!
To date, Compaq is the only company
that has responded. The letter I received from Community Relations Program
Manager Andrea McCrea had this to say: “Unfortunately, since we only make
donations to charitable organizations, we are unable to honor your request
for sponsorship. We appreciate your thinking of Compaq for this
opportunity and are happy to hear that you believe your character
identifies with our product. Please accept our sincerest wishes for
success in your endeavors.”
OK, so maybe
it’s not a six-figure advance, but to me, that’s a rave review!
.gif)
 Gersh: More Sopranos
Controversy
Gersh Kuntzman is also a columnist for The New York Post and the author
of “HAIR! Mankind’s Historic Quest to End Baldness” (Random House). His
website is at http://www.gersh.tv
© 2001 Newsweek,
Inc.
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Gersh Kuntzman:
Just Give Me Money
